Comox Valley Mediation:Flipping the perspective from ME to You in a mediation

What makes mediation difficult is that we tend to blame our difficulties on the other person/party. I am the victim. The solution always depends on how the other person is going to resolve it. He/She/They are the cause of the problem. He/She/They are to blame.   

"He does this and I want it to stop."
"I can't go on like this."
"She did this and it's caused no end of problems for me."
"I just can't go on like this, he doesn't listen to me."
" I can't get through to them. They have no respect for me."
"I can't believe how they have pushed me to the back of the line."
"This is a bad deal. They've really screwed me." 

"MEDIATION you might exclaim! That's a civilized way to get some results.  I can get a neutral 3rd party skilled in resolving issues."

"A mediator will set it up so she'll have to listen to me."
"A mediator will clarify issues so he won't be able to run and hide behind a bunch of confusing words."
"He's such a nuisance when he breaks his commitments."
"She lies all the time."
"He's just not trustworthy."

Notice the bold italicized I's, Me's, He's and She's in the previous statements.  We've all faced the task of resolving an issue with a person with whom it is very difficult to communicate, who is always looking from the other side. We need to resolve the issue. The most direct way of accomplishing a successful resolution is to take the self-centeredness out of the mediation equation.

Ask yourself, "How can I help this person who is having such trouble with me." A little revolutionary right? This person who has been making me pull hair out of my head and I'm supposed to help them?

We can experiment with flipping the perspective from me, me, me...one of separation and division,  to letting go of our self-centeredness. When we drop our self-centereredness, "How can I help this person who is having such trouble with me."...we find that the result is we actually help ourselves.

One way we can  drop our self centeredness is to listen externally and internally to the other person. Externally, we  listen with our complete whole self. We want to know what the other person wants. Internally, we reflect...we intuit what the other person wants. It's never that dark that we can't really figure it out.

You smile. I smile back because you smile. You smile back because I smile.

All the little niggly rules and regulations take their proper  place under the light of the smiling.

That's a successful mediation.

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation: Some necessary ingredients in Mediation

"Courtesy is about attending to the other appropriately. It is about giving the other their due. It does not matter what the culturally circumscribed behaviour is; all good manners are about the self demonstrating that it is at the service of the other. Even if the culturally defined rules contradict conventions that one is accustomed to. As soon as one realises that another person’s apparent lack of correct behaviour is due to their interpretation of correct behaviour one immediately forgives the misdemeanour. After all, it is not the good behaviour that one is after per se, it is the acknowledgement of the self."......from http://www.scribd.com/doc/19100998/Intent-Etsko-Schuitema


Accountability...Whose Problem is it Anyway? "One of the difficulties {clients} I have worked with talk about is clarifying what issues are their responsibility and what issues belong to others. ‘When clients first present their story to me they often blame others, implying that the other person caused their self-righteous anger or that they wouldn’t be abusive if it wasn’t for something the other person did. You may find it easier to shift responsibility onto others than face your own part in it. It takes a strong {person} to stand up and admit that things are not what they should be."...from Feeling Angry Playing Fair (1998) by Ken McMaster, Reed, Auckland, chapter 3.


Strength and Weakness: "There is, however, an up side to this argument in that the distinction between giving and taking is also synonymous with the distinction between weakness and strength. If you want something from someone else, the other person’s capacity to withhold what you want makes you easily manipulated. It makes them strong and you weak. Whereas if you want to give someone something, and what you are giving is so unconditional that you do not even want them to like what you are giving to them they cannot manipulate you. In this case you are strong. This means that you are weak to the degree to which you dedicate your attention to what you want to get and you are strong to the degree to which you focus attention on what you should be giving. One of the differences between the mature adult and the child is the difference between strength and weakness. Again, to be mature means to be here to give, which means to be strong"....from a nameless internet source

"All that Buddhist jargon about dealing with challenges is too foreign to the modern mind. Modern people, in being confronted with a challenge, should  "1. Face It, 2.Accept It, 3.Deal with It,  and 4. Let It Go."...Master Sheng Yen in a Zen retreat.

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma.