Comox Valley Mediation: Heard this before? listening in mediation is so important!

In the mediation world, we always hear so much about listening. With good reason. Most of us already know what the other person thinks before the words come out of his/her mouth.  Listen to them? Well, we sort of go through the motion. And at the very best, we are patient with our talker because we can't wait to get our own comparison, analysis and concise judgement of the situation to 'really seal the deal'. And remember, mediators can be just as bad as the mediated!

We are RIGHT before the other person(s) even manifests the thoughts in their brain(s), let alone puts neural impulse into speech formation. 

Watch this you-tube. It's about old-time doctoring and it's authored by a very high tech Stanford teaching physician.  We will get a better idea about the importance of listening. Mediators can learn from this one too: it's about the listening, not the method of diagnosis. Check out on TED TALKS: 

Abraham Verghese: A doctor's touch  http://www.ted.com/talks/abraham_verghese_a_doctor_s_touch.html

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation: Analysis of how a conversation turns into conflict

A Conversation "Let us suppose you are to meet a friend for lunch. Naturally, when you meet you will talk together. First you say something, then your friend will say something in reply, then you will say something, and on and on. That is the way a good conversation goes. After the conversation, you will feel quite relaxed. You will like your friend.

During the conversation, while you are talking, you are the center. This we have also called the participant; your friend is at the periphery, what we have called the observer (although here 'listener' would be a better word). When your friend speaks it is reversed; your friend is at the center and you are at the periphery. Because of the alternation implicit in a conversation, the strain of holding the two modes together in consciousness is released a little. This is one important reason that we enjoy talking to one another. It is often unimportant what is said as long as each is willing and able to yield to the other. When this happens you and your friend are one whole.

The Confrontation of Two Centers  Now suppose your neighbour's dog has been in your garden and has dug up your favourite flowers. You have to speak to your neighbour about this. How do you feel? Tense and uncomfortable. You do not like your neighbour as much as you did before the dog had its spree in the garden. When you speak to each other, instead of a conversation, it turns into an argument. You want to say something but the neighbour interrups. And so you interrupt him. He raises his voice, saying, "You listen to me!" "No!" you say, "Listen to me!"

What happens next?....rising emotions impede the natural rhythm of your breathing...you avoid eye contact with your neighbour or even more anger may arise...whoever backs and down looks away is humiliated...humiliated, you complain to a sympathetic 3rd person....

"If one is observant, one will see this type of mental aggression occupies much of our waking life.

We do it to overcome unbearable tension brought about by the conflict of two centers, each vying to be the only one. By trying to destroy the image of the neighbour, however, I reaffirm his presence, and a vicious circle results. It is like a spiritual hemorrhage. Hatred is an attempt to stop this hemorrhage. Hatred is like the bleeding of a wound  that, when congealed, staunches itself. It comes of out of the formula, "I hurt, it is your fault". Talking and thinking about our neighbour keeps us in a steady flow of pain. However, we blame the neighbour, which is a forceful way of separating ourselves from him. In blaming, the pain turns to hate and so congeals. In hatred, because it is so dense and rigid, we find a secure center, However, hatred also causes separation, and so in itself becomes the cause of further pain."  ...from Montreal's Zen Master, Albert Low, The Butterfly's Dream, In search of the Roots of Zen, pg. 97 to 99.

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation: Thich Nhat Hanh and the Conflict Resolution Practice, 'Beginning Anew'

This is a mediation practice introduced to me by my Parent/Teen Mediation partner. Anne experienced this workshop presented by thich nhat hanh, a Vietnamese Zen master. In Plum Village, the Buddhist center in France, they use this process of dealing with conflict to minimize tensions that can be created by living together with strangers for a long period of time.

To begin anew is to look deeply and honestly at ourselves, our past actions, speech and thoughts and to create a fresh beginning within ourselves and in our relationships with others. At the practice center we practice Beginning Anew as a community every two weeks and individually as often as we like.

We practice Beginning Anew to clear our mind and keep our practice fresh. When a difficulty arises in our relationships with fellow practitioners and one of us feels resentment or hurt, we know it is time to Begin Anew. The following is a description of the four-part process of Beginning Anew as used in a formal setting. One person speaks at a time and is not interrupted during his or her turn. The other practitioners practice deep listening and following their breath.

1.     Flower watering - This is a chance to share our appreciation for the other person. We may mention specific instances that the other person said or did something that we had admired. This is an opportunity to shine light on the other’s strengths and contributions to the sangha and to encourage the growth of his or her positive qualities.

2.     Sharing regrets - We may mention any unskillfulness in our actions, speech or thoughts that we have not yet had an opportunity to apologize for.

3.     Expressing a hurt - We may share how we felt hurt by an interaction with another practitioner, due to his or her actions, speech or thoughts. (To express a hurt we should first water the other person’s flower by sharing two positive qualities that we have trully observed in him or her. Expressing a hurt is often performed one on one with another practitioner rather than in the group setting. You may ask for a third party that you both trust and respect to be present, if desired.)

4.     Sharing a long-term difficulty & asking for support- At times we each have difficulties and pain arise from our past that surface in the present. When we share an issue that we are dealing with we can let the people around us understand us better and offer the support that we really need.

The practice of Beginning Anew helps us develop our kind speech and compassionate listening. Begin Anew is a practice of recognition and appreciation of the positive elements within our Sangha. For instance, we may notice that our roommate is generous in sharing her insights, and another friend is caring towards plants.

Recognizing others positive traits allows us to see our own good qualities as well.
Along with these good traits, we each have areas of weakness, such as talking out of our anger or being caught in our misperceptions. When we practice “flower watering” we support the development of good qualities in each other and at the same time we help to weaken the difficulties in the other person. As in a garden, when we “water the flowers” of loving kindness and compassion in each other, we also take energy away from the weeds of anger, jealousy and misperception.

We can practice Beginning Anew everyday by expressing our appreciation for our fellow practitioners and apologizing right away when we do or say something that hurts them. We can politely let others know when we have been hurt as well. The health and happiness of the whole community depends on the harmony, peace and joy that exists between every member in the Sangha."....http://www.plumvillage.org/practice.html?start=1

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation: Fighting couples: therapy or mediation?

The emphasis in mediation is a little different from therapy.













The mediator listens to one story, and says, "Wow, these problems must be causing you great consternation. It must be very difficult to live with this other person."

Then the mediator listens to the other story, and says, "Wow, these problems must be causing you great consternation. It must be very difficult to live with this other person."

Then the mediator puts the two story tellers together to create a new storyline. It's the business of creating a workable business-like relationship in the affairs of two people who want to repair and enrich their personal lives.

"A lot of therapies deal with shifting around attitudes...sometimes, people need the help of a therapist to talk things out. If what they are holding is very subtle and specific to a "set-up", a specific limiting way of being in the world, then they might need someone fairly skilled in spotting "set-ups" and in helping someone to let go at a pace that is workable and reasonably comfortable. They might also need help in facing why they even feel the need for that set-up!"...from Open Mouth Already a Mistake, Wu Kwang both a practicing New York psychotherapist and Zen master, pg, 88.

"In psychotherapy, the approach is different. You're caught in a bunch of negative ideas, let's say--negative feelings about yourself; negative images about yourself, etc. You have to see where you got all of those negative images about yourself, etc. You have to see where you got all of those negative images from. And, you also have to see how you're holding them, and how you're using them. And what your attachment to them is! If you can see that, then you can perhaps experiment with some other view. So that's the psychotherapeutic approach, pg 95 of the same source.

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma.

Comox Valley Mediation: Can violence in the relationship be mediated?

Can violence in the relationship be mediated? Only and absolutely only if the process and consequences of mediation do not threaten the safety of any individual. The desire to mediate should involve a movement in mind, speech and action from the realm of circle one ABUSE OF FAMILY MEMBERS, to circle two, MUTUAL RESPECT toward family members.

 

       

These two wheels are taken from the internet. 

In the Comox Valley: 

For child abuse, call the Helpline for Children 250-310-1234; 

For women , call Transition House 24 Hour Crisis Line 250-338-1227; 

For police emergency call 911. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma.

Comox Valley Mediation: Trust does not mean to be a damn fool.

"It's important to look at who is asking you to do a particular thing. For how long are you being asked to do this particular thing?  Under what kind of circumstances are you being asked to do this particular thing? Trust must be involved there. Trust does not mean to be a damn fool. It does not mean to blindly go along with something and totally throw away your discrimination. You can put discrimination on the shelf for a while to see and to hear, but if after a while something does not  "sit" right, and the feedback does not feel right, then that becomes an abuse of obedience rather than a skillful use of obedience as a training device. .......Basically, obedience has to do with listening, and being able to train in responsiveness. Not holding anthing; not attaching to anything; not making any tight-gripped concept in your mind so that you are able to listen, to hear, and to respond. When the bell rings, bonnnnnngggg, you hear it: Someone calls, you answer! Someone close to you needs you, you are available to them." ...from Open Mouth Already a Mistake by Zen Master Wu Kwang, pg. 120-121.

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you?  Call Adrian at 250 898 8201 or email adrian2@shaw.ca for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation: What's a 6th century Buddhist monk got to do with modern mediation?

Bodidharma (circa 560 AD) was an Indian monk known as the red haired barbarian who brought Buddhism to China. He is looked upon as the 1st Patriarch of Chan (Zen), and among other myths and stories, is reputed to have sat meditating before a wall for 9 years in search of his original nature.

How does a 6th century Zen Patriarch fit in with modern mediation processes? It's called accountability!

In the first of Bodhidharma’s methods, the practitioner is asked to respond to the aggression of another through considering his/her own involvement in causing the other to be aggressive. In other words, he wants the investigative practitioner to respond to the antagonism of another with reflection on his/her own role in it. This is, of course, a form of self-confrontation. 

Reflection on the effect of one's mind, speech and actions on another allows one to widen one's perspective. There can be a little more light thrown into what is probably a contracted tangle of emotions and reactivity. 

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you?  Call Adrian at 250 650 9055 or email adrian2@shaw.ca for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma.