Comox Valley Mediation: John Beebe: Integrity in Mediation

"John Beebe, who has made a lifetime's study of the psychological depths of integrity, says that we learn about integrity when someone brings us their genuine outrage and we have it in us to see what they are talking about and why it was felt as a violation. Letting in that sense of the other's violation might bring a hot scorch of shame, but in the wake of the bushfire appear the truly amazing green shoots of recovery. This kind of opening to the psyche of the other, and its renewal of awareness, can only take place in exchanges of mutual honesty and care, where what is disclosed respects and fits the actual nature and boundaries of the relationship. It is not about maintaining indiscriminate porousness, or making unsolicited or misplaced self-disclosures. When you are seated at the center, a natural sense of checking boundaries and taking care of the boundaries of the other is always in play.
Nor does the openness mean a blind acceptance of every projection that might come your way. For just as integrity starts to nudge us inwardly with shame at our lack of wholeness as we deepen into practice, so too intuition begins to develop in the dark. Intuition sharpens the emotional eye that sees character. And as it develops, so does a more acute sense of the difference between integrity's shame that arises within, and the projection imposed on us by another person to attempt  to make us feel bad."
....from Susan Murphy in Upside-down Zen: Finding the Marvelous in the Ordinary, pg. 165-66. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma.

Comox Valley Mediation: Toni Packer: Real listening

"....The essence is to come upon a profound kind of listening and openness that reveals the intense power and momentum of our human conditioning, how we are caught up and attached to ideas about ourselves and each other, how violently we defend these ideas--not just individually but collectively--and how this defense keeps us isolated from each other and from ourselves. The other aspect of this listening is to come upon an inner/outer silence--stillness--spaciousness in which there is no sense of separation or limitation, outside or inside." Toni Packer in The Light of Discovery, pg 10.

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma.

Comox Valley Mediation: Cleaning up after each other TO violence in the relatonship

"Power exists in different contexts.... 

What people in relationship are really talking about is the division of labor in the household. Some couples resent having to clean up after the other. One may have different ideas of what clean is than the other. It's amazing but it's a very common topic. It's territoriality. It's about dominance." 

"We are reluctant to speak if it makes us look less powerful...  We don't say things when we're worried about the repercussions from our partners. When we fear our partner will leave, then we are reluctant to speak out and express grievances. We are not willing to say things are wrong if it will cause conflict. We are reluctant to express grievance if it opens old wounds.” …from Balance of Power is Key in Relationships at http://www.csulb.edu/misc/inside/archives/vol_57_no_9/f5.htm

 

       

These two wheels are taken from the internet. 

For child abuse, call the Helpline for Children, 

250-310-1234; 

for women

call Transition House 24 Hour Crisis Line 

250-338-1227; 

for police emergency call 911


Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation: Heard this before? listening in mediation is so important!

In the mediation world, we always hear so much about listening. With good reason. Most of us already know what the other person thinks before the words come out of his/her mouth.  Listen to them? Well, we sort of go through the motion. And at the very best, we are patient with our talker because we can't wait to get our own comparison, analysis and concise judgement of the situation to 'really seal the deal'. And remember, mediators can be just as bad as the mediated!

We are RIGHT before the other person(s) even manifests the thoughts in their brain(s), let alone puts neural impulse into speech formation. 

Watch this you-tube. It's about old-time doctoring and it's authored by a very high tech Stanford teaching physician.  We will get a better idea about the importance of listening. Mediators can learn from this one too: it's about the listening, not the method of diagnosis. Check out on TED TALKS: 

Abraham Verghese: A doctor's touch  http://www.ted.com/talks/abraham_verghese_a_doctor_s_touch.html

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation: Analysis of how a conversation turns into conflict

A Conversation "Let us suppose you are to meet a friend for lunch. Naturally, when you meet you will talk together. First you say something, then your friend will say something in reply, then you will say something, and on and on. That is the way a good conversation goes. After the conversation, you will feel quite relaxed. You will like your friend.

During the conversation, while you are talking, you are the center. This we have also called the participant; your friend is at the periphery, what we have called the observer (although here 'listener' would be a better word). When your friend speaks it is reversed; your friend is at the center and you are at the periphery. Because of the alternation implicit in a conversation, the strain of holding the two modes together in consciousness is released a little. This is one important reason that we enjoy talking to one another. It is often unimportant what is said as long as each is willing and able to yield to the other. When this happens you and your friend are one whole.

The Confrontation of Two Centers  Now suppose your neighbour's dog has been in your garden and has dug up your favourite flowers. You have to speak to your neighbour about this. How do you feel? Tense and uncomfortable. You do not like your neighbour as much as you did before the dog had its spree in the garden. When you speak to each other, instead of a conversation, it turns into an argument. You want to say something but the neighbour interrups. And so you interrupt him. He raises his voice, saying, "You listen to me!" "No!" you say, "Listen to me!"

What happens next?....rising emotions impede the natural rhythm of your breathing...you avoid eye contact with your neighbour or even more anger may arise...whoever backs and down looks away is humiliated...humiliated, you complain to a sympathetic 3rd person....

"If one is observant, one will see this type of mental aggression occupies much of our waking life.

We do it to overcome unbearable tension brought about by the conflict of two centers, each vying to be the only one. By trying to destroy the image of the neighbour, however, I reaffirm his presence, and a vicious circle results. It is like a spiritual hemorrhage. Hatred is an attempt to stop this hemorrhage. Hatred is like the bleeding of a wound  that, when congealed, staunches itself. It comes of out of the formula, "I hurt, it is your fault". Talking and thinking about our neighbour keeps us in a steady flow of pain. However, we blame the neighbour, which is a forceful way of separating ourselves from him. In blaming, the pain turns to hate and so congeals. In hatred, because it is so dense and rigid, we find a secure center, However, hatred also causes separation, and so in itself becomes the cause of further pain."  ...from Montreal's Zen Master, Albert Low, The Butterfly's Dream, In search of the Roots of Zen, pg. 97 to 99.

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation: Thich Nhat Hanh and the Conflict Resolution Practice, 'Beginning Anew'

This is a mediation practice introduced to me by my Parent/Teen Mediation partner. Anne experienced this workshop presented by thich nhat hanh, a Vietnamese Zen master. In Plum Village, the Buddhist center in France, they use this process of dealing with conflict to minimize tensions that can be created by living together with strangers for a long period of time.

To begin anew is to look deeply and honestly at ourselves, our past actions, speech and thoughts and to create a fresh beginning within ourselves and in our relationships with others. At the practice center we practice Beginning Anew as a community every two weeks and individually as often as we like.

We practice Beginning Anew to clear our mind and keep our practice fresh. When a difficulty arises in our relationships with fellow practitioners and one of us feels resentment or hurt, we know it is time to Begin Anew. The following is a description of the four-part process of Beginning Anew as used in a formal setting. One person speaks at a time and is not interrupted during his or her turn. The other practitioners practice deep listening and following their breath.

1.     Flower watering - This is a chance to share our appreciation for the other person. We may mention specific instances that the other person said or did something that we had admired. This is an opportunity to shine light on the other’s strengths and contributions to the sangha and to encourage the growth of his or her positive qualities.

2.     Sharing regrets - We may mention any unskillfulness in our actions, speech or thoughts that we have not yet had an opportunity to apologize for.

3.     Expressing a hurt - We may share how we felt hurt by an interaction with another practitioner, due to his or her actions, speech or thoughts. (To express a hurt we should first water the other person’s flower by sharing two positive qualities that we have trully observed in him or her. Expressing a hurt is often performed one on one with another practitioner rather than in the group setting. You may ask for a third party that you both trust and respect to be present, if desired.)

4.     Sharing a long-term difficulty & asking for support- At times we each have difficulties and pain arise from our past that surface in the present. When we share an issue that we are dealing with we can let the people around us understand us better and offer the support that we really need.

The practice of Beginning Anew helps us develop our kind speech and compassionate listening. Begin Anew is a practice of recognition and appreciation of the positive elements within our Sangha. For instance, we may notice that our roommate is generous in sharing her insights, and another friend is caring towards plants.

Recognizing others positive traits allows us to see our own good qualities as well.
Along with these good traits, we each have areas of weakness, such as talking out of our anger or being caught in our misperceptions. When we practice “flower watering” we support the development of good qualities in each other and at the same time we help to weaken the difficulties in the other person. As in a garden, when we “water the flowers” of loving kindness and compassion in each other, we also take energy away from the weeds of anger, jealousy and misperception.

We can practice Beginning Anew everyday by expressing our appreciation for our fellow practitioners and apologizing right away when we do or say something that hurts them. We can politely let others know when we have been hurt as well. The health and happiness of the whole community depends on the harmony, peace and joy that exists between every member in the Sangha."....http://www.plumvillage.org/practice.html?start=1

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation: Fighting couples: therapy or mediation?

The emphasis in mediation is a little different from therapy.













The mediator listens to one story, and says, "Wow, these problems must be causing you great consternation. It must be very difficult to live with this other person."

Then the mediator listens to the other story, and says, "Wow, these problems must be causing you great consternation. It must be very difficult to live with this other person."

Then the mediator puts the two story tellers together to create a new storyline. It's the business of creating a workable business-like relationship in the affairs of two people who want to repair and enrich their personal lives.

"A lot of therapies deal with shifting around attitudes...sometimes, people need the help of a therapist to talk things out. If what they are holding is very subtle and specific to a "set-up", a specific limiting way of being in the world, then they might need someone fairly skilled in spotting "set-ups" and in helping someone to let go at a pace that is workable and reasonably comfortable. They might also need help in facing why they even feel the need for that set-up!"...from Open Mouth Already a Mistake, Wu Kwang both a practicing New York psychotherapist and Zen master, pg, 88.

"In psychotherapy, the approach is different. You're caught in a bunch of negative ideas, let's say--negative feelings about yourself; negative images about yourself, etc. You have to see where you got all of those negative images about yourself, etc. You have to see where you got all of those negative images from. And, you also have to see how you're holding them, and how you're using them. And what your attachment to them is! If you can see that, then you can perhaps experiment with some other view. So that's the psychotherapeutic approach, pg 95 of the same source.

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma.

Comox Valley Mediation: Can violence in the relationship be mediated?

Can violence in the relationship be mediated? Only and absolutely only if the process and consequences of mediation do not threaten the safety of any individual. The desire to mediate should involve a movement in mind, speech and action from the realm of circle one ABUSE OF FAMILY MEMBERS, to circle two, MUTUAL RESPECT toward family members.

 

       

These two wheels are taken from the internet. 

In the Comox Valley: 

For child abuse, call the Helpline for Children 250-310-1234; 

For women , call Transition House 24 Hour Crisis Line 250-338-1227; 

For police emergency call 911. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma.

Comox Valley Mediation: Trust does not mean to be a damn fool.

"It's important to look at who is asking you to do a particular thing. For how long are you being asked to do this particular thing?  Under what kind of circumstances are you being asked to do this particular thing? Trust must be involved there. Trust does not mean to be a damn fool. It does not mean to blindly go along with something and totally throw away your discrimination. You can put discrimination on the shelf for a while to see and to hear, but if after a while something does not  "sit" right, and the feedback does not feel right, then that becomes an abuse of obedience rather than a skillful use of obedience as a training device. .......Basically, obedience has to do with listening, and being able to train in responsiveness. Not holding anthing; not attaching to anything; not making any tight-gripped concept in your mind so that you are able to listen, to hear, and to respond. When the bell rings, bonnnnnngggg, you hear it: Someone calls, you answer! Someone close to you needs you, you are available to them." ...from Open Mouth Already a Mistake by Zen Master Wu Kwang, pg. 120-121.

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you?  Call Adrian at 250 898 8201 or email adrian2@shaw.ca for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation: What's a 6th century Buddhist monk got to do with modern mediation?

Bodidharma (circa 560 AD) was an Indian monk known as the red haired barbarian who brought Buddhism to China. He is looked upon as the 1st Patriarch of Chan (Zen), and among other myths and stories, is reputed to have sat meditating before a wall for 9 years in search of his original nature.

How does a 6th century Zen Patriarch fit in with modern mediation processes? It's called accountability!

In the first of Bodhidharma’s methods, the practitioner is asked to respond to the aggression of another through considering his/her own involvement in causing the other to be aggressive. In other words, he wants the investigative practitioner to respond to the antagonism of another with reflection on his/her own role in it. This is, of course, a form of self-confrontation. 

Reflection on the effect of one's mind, speech and actions on another allows one to widen one's perspective. There can be a little more light thrown into what is probably a contracted tangle of emotions and reactivity. 

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you?  Call Adrian at 250 650 9055 or email adrian2@shaw.ca for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation:Flipping the perspective from ME to You in a mediation

What makes mediation difficult is that we tend to blame our difficulties on the other person/party. I am the victim. The solution always depends on how the other person is going to resolve it. He/She/They are the cause of the problem. He/She/They are to blame.   

"He does this and I want it to stop."
"I can't go on like this."
"She did this and it's caused no end of problems for me."
"I just can't go on like this, he doesn't listen to me."
" I can't get through to them. They have no respect for me."
"I can't believe how they have pushed me to the back of the line."
"This is a bad deal. They've really screwed me." 

"MEDIATION you might exclaim! That's a civilized way to get some results.  I can get a neutral 3rd party skilled in resolving issues."

"A mediator will set it up so she'll have to listen to me."
"A mediator will clarify issues so he won't be able to run and hide behind a bunch of confusing words."
"He's such a nuisance when he breaks his commitments."
"She lies all the time."
"He's just not trustworthy."

Notice the bold italicized I's, Me's, He's and She's in the previous statements.  We've all faced the task of resolving an issue with a person with whom it is very difficult to communicate, who is always looking from the other side. We need to resolve the issue. The most direct way of accomplishing a successful resolution is to take the self-centeredness out of the mediation equation.

Ask yourself, "How can I help this person who is having such trouble with me." A little revolutionary right? This person who has been making me pull hair out of my head and I'm supposed to help them?

We can experiment with flipping the perspective from me, me, me...one of separation and division,  to letting go of our self-centeredness. When we drop our self-centereredness, "How can I help this person who is having such trouble with me."...we find that the result is we actually help ourselves.

One way we can  drop our self centeredness is to listen externally and internally to the other person. Externally, we  listen with our complete whole self. We want to know what the other person wants. Internally, we reflect...we intuit what the other person wants. It's never that dark that we can't really figure it out.

You smile. I smile back because you smile. You smile back because I smile.

All the little niggly rules and regulations take their proper  place under the light of the smiling.

That's a successful mediation.

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. 

Can mediation work for you? Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma. 

Comox Valley Mediation: Some necessary ingredients in Mediation

"Courtesy is about attending to the other appropriately. It is about giving the other their due. It does not matter what the culturally circumscribed behaviour is; all good manners are about the self demonstrating that it is at the service of the other. Even if the culturally defined rules contradict conventions that one is accustomed to. As soon as one realises that another person’s apparent lack of correct behaviour is due to their interpretation of correct behaviour one immediately forgives the misdemeanour. After all, it is not the good behaviour that one is after per se, it is the acknowledgement of the self."......from http://www.scribd.com/doc/19100998/Intent-Etsko-Schuitema


Accountability...Whose Problem is it Anyway? "One of the difficulties {clients} I have worked with talk about is clarifying what issues are their responsibility and what issues belong to others. ‘When clients first present their story to me they often blame others, implying that the other person caused their self-righteous anger or that they wouldn’t be abusive if it wasn’t for something the other person did. You may find it easier to shift responsibility onto others than face your own part in it. It takes a strong {person} to stand up and admit that things are not what they should be."...from Feeling Angry Playing Fair (1998) by Ken McMaster, Reed, Auckland, chapter 3.


Strength and Weakness: "There is, however, an up side to this argument in that the distinction between giving and taking is also synonymous with the distinction between weakness and strength. If you want something from someone else, the other person’s capacity to withhold what you want makes you easily manipulated. It makes them strong and you weak. Whereas if you want to give someone something, and what you are giving is so unconditional that you do not even want them to like what you are giving to them they cannot manipulate you. In this case you are strong. This means that you are weak to the degree to which you dedicate your attention to what you want to get and you are strong to the degree to which you focus attention on what you should be giving. One of the differences between the mature adult and the child is the difference between strength and weakness. Again, to be mature means to be here to give, which means to be strong"....from a nameless internet source

"All that Buddhist jargon about dealing with challenges is too foreign to the modern mind. Modern people, in being confronted with a challenge, should  "1. Face It, 2.Accept It, 3.Deal with It,  and 4. Let It Go."...Master Sheng Yen in a Zen retreat.

Relax. Smile. Together we can work it out. Google Symonds Mediation Associates for a free assessment. Ask how he can help you resolve your dilemma.